Siddhartha

I woke up today, like i usually do for work, tired, but today was different i wasn't just tired from sleep deprivation, nor because of the long night i had before. I was just tired of everything, of routine, of how hard it is, of the struggle, of who i am, and of the fact that i lost myself somewhere along the way, i sat at the edge of my bed contemplating about how much i have changed, i am not everything i was a few years ago, I used to be somebody, that artsy kid who was ready to hoist the world by the reins, i was sure of what i wanted to be and who i wanted to become but with time everything began to fade, to become distant, paint was left to dry on my brushes and the steel strings on my guitar began to rust, my sewing machine was left in the dark, all i used my voice for was to sleep and my mind began to look into a looped cycle, wake up, work, school, sleep and apart from that i started to try and accommodate everyone i came across, changing my appearance, my way of thought, so that everyone could be happy and soon after i became an average person i stood amongst the norm, i became mediocre, i wasn't a sore thumb nor the black sheep, i became part of the hand and white with the herd, the star dulled out and it didn't shine anymore. I was scared this morning. i was scared to look at my life and throughout this short time i lost it all, everything i was, gone. Now i was Arrogant, Cocky, A Coward, Semi-Narcissistic, I did things that the person who i was wouldnt have done and would have sucker punched me because of it. I was Siddhartha, a very dynamic character from a book i was reading, he losses it all, himself, his beliefs, love, faith, to the point where he wants to take his own life, but right before he does he realizes what he has become, he soon after walks into enlightenment. It took him a near death experience to find himself again, to realize that he had changed. It took me one morning, im glad it didnt have to go to much more drastic measures, but maybe i was already there maybe my soul and my mind where somehow dead or commiting the cruel act. I was living breathing, moving, conversing, and thinking slightly but i wasnt really Alive. I feel like i have awaken from a long winters sleep, but im still a little rusty, At this moment, i am disgusted with what i have become, i have a bitter taste in my mouth. i am waiting for the turning point in my life, Where i could love self again, like i used to. where my hands are working again, the london fog in my mind has settled.